Nursing and the crisis of care has become a metaphor for the end of the Anthropocene; ageing populations and global pandemics highlight the fundamental place of care and nursing across the world (Puig de la Bellacasa, 2017). Yet, when it comes to living and working as a nurse, the policies that guide them are restricted to reproducing narrow definitions of what it is to be human (Haraway, 2016). We argue that paradigms of care create idealized patients (Smith and Willis, 2020) and ‘Vitruvian’ nurses using metaphors as modes of regulation. We argue with the concept of the Vitruvian man (Braidotti, 2013) to create the concept of the Vitruvian nurse. As the Vitruvian man is a version of the ideal human, the Vitruvian nurse is established as an axiomatic mechanism to govern care. We argue that this is misogynistic and reproduces restrictive power relations. The metaphor of the Vitruvian nurse is a uniformed woman who goes out of her way to attend to everyone's needs in an unconditional and subservient way where her self-value correlates with her ability to serve others at the detriment of herself. The Vitruvian nurse is achieved when she ceases to exist as a subjective entity, therefore becoming an impossibility. Contemporary nursing systems that maintain ideas such as Florence Nightingale are colonial (Wytenbroek and Vandenberg, 2017), patriarchal and reproduce knowledge production systems which we find troubling i.e. the white European male mutates into the white European female nurse, and is the perfect nurse. This completely unachievable metaphor becomes a mechanism of control and leads to feelings of isolation, boredom and burnout, which again is a metaphor for the epoch advanced capitalism that we live in. Feminine histories are overwritten to create care as a branded commodity. This metaphor is built on assumptions of the liminal human as an individual not a dividual, the individualistic (and neo-liberal) nature of patient centered care and that the care described in nursing codes of practice reveres the ‘autonomous’ practitioner over the material-discursive practices of care. Therefore, an irrefutable future is predetermined by the narrow philosophies of humanistic science - the human as a bound individual is privileged above everything. If we recognize the metaphors of the Vitruvian, and of boredom and burnout - in the times of the posthuman convergence - then what are the affirmative futures that we can produce?