Sex in an ideology of love

Until recently the sex life of older people was more or less invisible in family and gerontological research. This chapter contributes to breaking this silence by focusing on the role and meaning of sex in intimate relationships in later life. Based on biographical case studies, the chapter investigates how sexual norms have changed over the life course of contemporary cohorts of older people and how they have experienced this change. The chapter considers sexual intimacy as part of new intimate relationships established late in life and questions the persistent assumption that older people who date are primarily looking for companionate relationships. It is shown that older people’s ideas about sex are deeply embedded in an ideology of love, where sex tends to be viewed as a natural part of a loving relationship, while sex outside of a loving relationship – also in a loveless marriage – is frowned on.

Time as a structuring condition for new intimate relationships in later life6

It is often claimed that ‘love is ageless’. But is this really true? This chapter raises the question: is there something that sets intimate relationships in later life apart from relationships in earlier parts of the life course? While earlier chapters have considered how intimate relationships in later life are shaped by historical and cultural conditions, this chapter instead focuses on how they are shaped by the particular existential structure of later life. It is argued that old age is a life phase characterized by a paradox of time: that of having lots of available free time, but little time left in life – and that this existential structure shapes intimacy in later life. It is further argued that the scope of this theoretical insight is much wider than the topic of intimate relationships.

A new partner as a resource for social support

This chapter investigates the gains of repartnering in old age. What can a new intimate relationship offer the individual who repartners in later life and are these rewards different in later life than earlier in life? The chapter starts with a brief presentation of two theoretical perspectives that have been used to understand the reasons for late-life repartnering: rational choice theory and functionalism. It continues by detailing different kinds of social support that a new relationship can offer the individual – companionate, emotional and practical support.

Consequences for social network and support structures

This chapter investigates how the introduction of a new partner affects the wider social network. The chapter shows that in most cases a new partner is integrated into the older individual’s social network and illustrates how existing relationships are renegotiated as a consequence. Second, it shows that the partner is viewed as a resource for autonomy, both for the older individual and for their children. Third, it shows that a new partner tends to replace children and friends as the preferred provider of different forms of social support. The chapter concludes by discussing different theoretical ways of understanding older people’s social support networks and by relating these theories to Swedish survey data.

Initiation and development of new romantic relationships

The chapter studies the initiation and development of new late-life romantic relationships by asking what the central issues are that need to be negotiated and resolved in order for a relationship to develop. Using four case studies, the chapter follows the successive development of late-life relationships through the negotiation of three central relationship questions: whether to initiate and continue a relationship or not; whether to move in together or not; and whether to get married or not. It is shown that the question of marriage is normally raised only in a later stage of a relationship’s development – if ever.

The changing landscape of intimacy in later life

The purpose of this chapter is to uncover the changing structural conditions for late-life intimacy using empirical data. The chapter shows the prolongation of the lifespan in different countries and discusses its importance for older people’s relationships and for envisioning new intimate futures. The rise of divorce culture among older people is discussed using comparative data on divorce rates in different countries and shows how this affects the partner market for older singles, by creating a ‘society of divorcees’ and potential for a ‘grey repartnering revolution’. It also shows how the gendered structure of the partner market is affected by this change. Finally, the chapter shows how new digital technologies have affected the dating arena by introducing new venues for meeting a partner.

Discussion

The final chapter briefly summarizes the major insights from the previous chapters. It then relates these findings to three central theoretical questions: how does late-life repartnering relate to the wider historical transformation of intimacy described by social theory? How can the concept of life phase enhance an understanding of late-life repartnering? How can the results from the Swedish case studies be generalised to a wider international context?

Attitudes towards new romantic relationships

This chapter investigates the attitudes of older people towards intimate relationships in later life by asking two central questions: (1) Attitudes to what? For example marriage, dating, a romantic partner, living together or apart? Attitudes may well differ strongly depending on what one is asking about. (2) The attitudes of whom? Women or men? Divorcees, widowed or never married people? Singles, LATs, cohabitants or marrieds? Older people themselves or those in their surroundings, such as children, relatives or the generalized other? Attitudes are likely to depend on who the persons holding the attitudes are and what their experiences are. Finally, the chapter uses Swedish data to update and fill in some of the gaps in previous research. By not focusing solely on marriage it shows that older people’s interest in repartnering is likely higher than what has been proposed before.

A life of relationships

This chapter bridges the macro–micro gap by showing how the historical transformation of intimacy is reflected in older individuals’ relationship careers. The chapter challenges the idea that current generations of older people have normally lived their lives in single lifelong marriages ending in widowhood and shows the complexity of their relationship careers. It discusses the consequences of prior relationship experiences on interest in, and preferences for, late-life intimacy. It discusses the different implications of being widowed versus divorced for interest in repartnering. Finally, it focuses on the different biographical relationship experiences of women and men and how they impact on the interest for repartnering in later life. The chapter concludes with a discussion of the presented findings in relation to the deinstitutionalisation of the life course. Extensive biographical case descriptions are used to give the reader an understanding of what it means to have lived one’s life during the historical transition to divorce culture.

From marriage to alternative union forms

This chapter investigates union form in older people’s intimate relationships. It questions the assumption that older people are conservative in their choice of union form because they grew up in a time when marriage was the norm for intimate relationships, and shows that with regard to union form, older people tend to follow the times they live in, being part of the transformation of intimacy. It also argues that the later phase of life seems to have its own conditions that shape the choice of union form, such as having a wealth of earlier relationship experiences, being in a phase beyond work and reproduction, and having a restricted remaining lifetime.