Peaceful, powerful you!

“You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge,” as Dr. Phil McGraw said. “When we know better, we do better,” said Maya Angelou. Tenets such as these remind us that knowing paves a path toward personal power. That doing furnishes opportunities for personal peacefulness. Tempers rise. Feelings hurt. Resilience flees. When these things happen in schools, it’s time to inhale, stand tall, and get to work . . . on ourselves! This book has reminded us that there are peaceful ways to intervene. It has also informed us that there is power in our choice of words and behaviors. With the balance of peace and power, we can help mend the turmoil. We need not give up personal peace for power or personal power for peace. Peace and power reside in our ability to be generous of spirit, to recast meanings, and to minimize fear. We see others’ troubles as their own, even as we care about them. We problem- solve ways to alleviate difficulties, even as we know the quest is likely infinite and “letting go” can be a wise choice. Teaching with Vitality reminds us that we are powerful in shap­ing our lives and the quality of our relationships. We recognize our always- growing, always- changing internal resources for reconnecting with students, co- workers, and parents. If we don’t know what to do, we search for ways to understand and act. We resolve to do better, one step at a time. You now have many options for considering your course. You have many perspectives from which to make your choices. Though it may appear that we are working to fix others’ behaviors, we are the beneficiaries: we change our minds to change our perspectives, to change our relationships, to change ourselves. And through it all, we can revive. We can thrive. We can find ourselves on the path to health and wellness in our schools and in our communities. And, we can see vitality return to our teaching.

Don’t make assumptions

Ruiz advises, “Don’t make assumptions.” Assuming we know another’s meaning and motive is as unreliable as them knowing ours. • We are not selected for a leadership position we wanted. We translate this as “I’m not as strong a leader as he is.” • We learn of a parent complaint about us. We refute, “She’s a habitual complainer and has no idea what she’s talking about.” • We are greeted warmly and happily by a colleague who is usually less dramatic. We assume, “She must want something from me.” If we would take one day to monitor our assumptions, it may be eye- opening, even life- opening. Making an assumption is not the same as drawing a conclusion. Conclusions are reasoned suppositions. Assumptions are often automatic and habitual. We may not know we have them, so we don’t challenge them. We may also be aghast at the assumptions others make about us. A “No Assumptions Day” can change the style and content of our communications. It can challenge us to be clear with others about our own intentions and reasons. Shedding assumptions can liberate. It can illuminate. It can revitalize. Don’t make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life. (Ruiz, 1997)

Bounce

Have you noticed that every day, every hour, there is oppor­tunity to bounce? It might be a funny expression from your dog, a clever image on a T- shirt, a surprising comment by a stu­dent, an endearing story from a colleague, or the sweet expres­sion of a parent’s love. Each of these moments, and so many more, are provided for us all the time. They surround us. When we know to look for them, when we are open enough to notice them, we can feel the bounce that energizes us, at least momentarily. Our worries and tensions can absorb us in our days at school. That takes no effort. But allowing ourselves to be saturated with that heaviness is also allowing ourselves to be captives of our troubling thoughts and harried schedules. We can take a moment to shrug it off. Loosen the crust of tension and protection. Open ourselves to spotting and feeling moments that bounce. Teachers can adopt the habit of looking for and feeling the bounce in our lives. And when we do, we give ourselves a dose of vigor. We revive. When we give access to the appealing and delightful pos­sibilities that rehumanize us, we change ourselves. We smile. We love. We connect to beauty. We become resilient. We feel the bounce.

Civility

Sometimes we live as if we have two categories of feelings toward others: we like them or we dislike them. If we adopt this stance, we are missing out on so much we could learn. “Liking” may be the least substantial opinion we can have. Liking is highly overrated. Civility, however, is not. Politeness, courtesy, respect, graciousness, consideration— those are just some of the synonyms and images of civility. As we imagine those with whom we come in contact in our neighborhoods, cities, organizations, and businesses, there is likely a wide array of affinity. Yet camaraderie need not deter­mine the level of civility we display. When we present attitudes and behaviors of civility, both in and out of school, we reap the benefits of knowing we are doing our best. We are behaving respectfully. Civility . . . is the set of sacrifices we make for the sake of our common journey with others, and out of love and respect for the very idea that there are others. When we are civil, we are not pretending to like those we actually despise; we are not pretending to hold any attitude toward them except that we accept and value them as every bit our equals . . . . The duty to love our neighbors . . . is not lessened because we happen to think our neighbor is wrong about a few things.

Being a beneficent observer

Beneficent observers reframe others’ behaviors to become more open to a range of possible meanings. Instead of assuming rudeness, we consider that the other person has a har­ried schedule. Instead of assuming coldness, we consider that the other person is painfully shy. Instead of assuming insult, we consider that the other person has no idea this is a sensitive topic for us. Instead of assuming disrespect, we consider that the other person knows little about our classroom expertise and achieve­ments. We choose to think “What else could it be?” rather than assuming a deliberate affront. When we are beneficent in the ways we see others, we change how we feel about and speak to them and the ways we speak to others about them: 1. We contribute to our own sense of calm and stability, our own good health. 2. We feel less like an adversary and more like a strong, compas­sionate, generous- of- spirit member of the school community. 3. We let them be them without taking on the negative views we have of them or that they have of us. 4. We essentially demagnetize ourselves. We are no longer pulled into others’ drama. We leave their anger, jealousy, and rude behaviors with them. 5. We realize that our own thresholds for tolerance and pre­ferred behaviors may be causing our suffering more than any intentional action by the “offending” person. 6. We are willing to give the other a moment of grace and the benefit of the doubt to see behavior as simply that: behavior 7. We devote ourselves to helping rather than hindering goodwill. 8. We ask ourselves: “What could I say, do, and think that mod­els compassion?” 9. We sometimes offer a silent benediction to those who rankle us: “May you be well, may you be happy, may you be free from suffering.” These habits of mind happen neither quickly nor easily, but they are worth the effort, inch by inch, step by step, healthy habit by healthy habit.

A practice of playfulness

Even when we are not playing, our playful attitudes and behaviors can be a boon to learning and an antidote to discouragement. Appropriate lighthearted interactions in schools can be “mood vitamins” that serve both the senders and receivers. • The faux scold. Students noisily shove and run to the shelves to get their books. “That wasn’t quite what I had in mind when I said ‘Grab your books.’ ” • Permission to exude. Students follow the lead of a giggler with loud, enthusiastic laughing. “Okay, this noise level is hurting my ears. Take five seconds to get the giggles out so we can continue.” • The subtle cease. Teachers angrily and endlessly complain about a thorny district issue that may prompt a teacher strike. “Okay, this lunchroom talk is disturbing my digestion.” • The disposition shift. Teachers begin sniping over their ped­agogical differences. “Aren’t these students fortunate to have such an array of teachers as us!” (Bennett & Suarez, 2016, p. 13) A “practice of playfulness” has us being lighthearted, sometimes slightly self- effacing, ready to smile with easy humor, but not at another’s expense. We offer quippy comments that are momen­tary connections with friends and strangers. When we notice the charm in others’ behaviors, we can infuse our interactions with easygoing banter. Important here is to stress what playfulness is not. It is not the teacher telling jokes, entertaining, dominating the lesson, or being sarcastic. Instead, playfulness is eagerness to teach with curiosity, engagement, and repartee. If playfulness becomes too clever, too dramatic, or too distracting, students’ rowdiness may esca­late rather than engage. See what happens with an occasional scattering of playful­ness throughout your day. Adopting this practice in life, even in the midst of harshness or impatience, can revitalize mood, atti­tude, energy, and ultimately healthy communication for us and for those around us. A master in the art of living draws no sharp distinction between his work and his play, his labour and his leisure, his mind and his body, his education and his recreation. He hardly knows which is which. He simply pursues his vision of excellence through whatever he is doing, and leaves others to determine whether he is working or play­ing.

Persevere

Being a teacher can be hard. • We invest ourselves wholeheartedly, yet sometimes our efforts fall short. • We know our subject matter, but students may seem uninterested. • We search for more and better ways to teach, but the results can be disappointing. As educators, we will fail. We will be hurt. We will be disap­pointed. We will be discouraged. Yet key to our recovery from these slumps is what we tell ourselves about those failures. What do we need to do? “Just get up.” “Just get up!” With this statement, Olympic gold medal fig­ure skater Scott Hamilton reminds us that the challenges of a skater involve many falls and frequent pain. It is impossible to be a skater and not fall down. All skaters fall. All skaters fail. They know they will fall. They know they will fail. They know both will hurt. Hamilton says: “Just get up!” Too many “falls” without strategies to recover can cause teachers to “crust up.” We generate layers of crust to protect us as we cling to our anger, refuse assistance, and numb our bod­ies, minds, and spirits. But crusting insulates us from feeling and caring, so we miss out on the vitality of our lives. Then “we forget to be glad for all the things that go right” When we know how to “get up,” when we accept that the fall will come again, we can persevere. We feel the strength of our knowing, and we use determination to pull ourselves out of the doldrums. Just get up. Just keep going. Just aspire to do better.

Aim for understanding

When someone agrees with us, we can feel validated and relieved. When someone disagrees, we can bristle at the implication that we are wrong. Some of us develop a habit of looking for agreement. Some of us have little tolerance for being wrong. During conflict, we can hold tightly to our positions, building a case for why we believe what we believe. We may know those who feel an innate preparation for combat when they sense dis­agreement. More treacherous than the disagreement itself can be the backstories we tell ourselves about reasons for the con­flict. We make assumptions. We assume we know the intent of another’s choices. How can we momentarily suspend our assumptions and shift our focus to a path toward understanding? Key here is com­munication. Asking questions in order to understand, rather than arguing to convince, widens our prospects for resolution (Rusk, 1993). With a calm demeanor and conversational tone, we open our­selves to listening and problem- solving. Simple questions and statements, spoken with calm curiosity, not sarcasm or aggres­sion, can pave the path to understanding. • “What happened that made you think that?” • “Can you tell me a little more about what led you to that decision?” • “Interesting. I had a very different reaction. Tell me how you interpreted that.” • “What can you tell me that will help me understand what just happened?” If the other person happens to explain his or her opinion without asking yours, simply say, “Now I better understand your position. Let me tell you my thoughts, so you can understand my perspec­tive as well.” Agreement is not always necessary for peaceful solutions. We need not feel threatened by conflicting views or actions. Responding to conflict by aiming to understand rather than agree (Rusk, 1993) can release the pressure valve of resistance, refuel each party’s vitality, and reenliven our presence in schools.

Jumping to conclusions

He walks down the hall toward you. You are the only two in the hallway. You look at him, ready to smile and offer a cheery “Good morning!” With eyes downcast, he walks by you as if you are not there. What is your reaction? • Indignation. “Who does he think he is, not bothering to even look at me?” • Irritation. “Why can’t he make the effort to say a simple hello?” • Superiority. “With such poor social skills, he shouldn’t even be a teacher.” • Meanness. Silently you smirk at his indifference, eager to tell co- workers about this perceived slight. • Affirmation. “I knew he didn’t like me, and since no one is around, he doesn’t even pretend!” • Anger. “How dare he act so superior!” It may be a challenge to interpret this scene as anything but snob­bery or poor manners. Yet the same curiosity and compassion that help us determine what our students need in order to learn can serve us well with other adults. The illusion in this scenario is our belief that we know the reason for another’s behaviors. The pitfall of this conclusion is the missed opportunity to wonder with good intentions. The risk to professional relationships is the narrow labeling of another’s behaviors and personalizing their intent. Asking ourselves “What else could it be?” implies that we have the power and presence of mind to press the pause button to offer a broader palette of possibilities. • Is he preoccupied with an upcoming meeting? • Is he concerned about a loved one? • Is he mentally preparing for his first class? • Is he an introvert who is much more comfortable keeping to himself than offering easy banter or automatic greetings? Why not be your best by offering a warm greeting to him with no expectation for receiving one in return? When faced with puzzling behaviors, we can avoid jumping to conclusions. We can take a moment, have a second thought. This opening of possibility offers a moment of grace to ourselves and our co- workers. We choose to suspend judgment for the good of the moment and for nourishing goodwill in schools.

Allowing upset

Teachers fix things. We face a myriad of fixings daily. We unscramble misunderstandings, clarify errors, and soothe hurt feelings. We don’t always get it right, but we so often try. Our compassion and love for students seep into our responses to them. We want them to be happy, comfortable, and at ease. But sometimes we witness their dis- ease. They are angry, hurt, disappointed. They pout. All these reactions are normal parts of growing and living. But what do we do about them? How do we make it better? How can we fix the upset? We know we can be compassionate about students’ feelings. Yet sometimes it is the “letting go of fixing” that can challenge us. Can we be strong enough to allow others to be upset? Can we let anger, disappointment, or frustration run its course rather than try to alleviate it? Can we know whether it is time to inter­vene or let it be? When others are out of sorts, we sometimes need to allow them simply to experience it. Important growth develops for us all when we realize, “I’ll be okay. I’m just going to be angry [hurt, disappointed] for a while.” Allowing others to be upset is not the same as ignoring their troubles. Compassion and assistance are perennial foundations of being a teacher. We can be kind as we allow others to be upset. They can feel the bad feelings and live through them. They can learn that their hurt is temporary. They can learn that they will bounce back, and when they do, we’ll be right there to help them move along.