Aim for understanding
When someone agrees with us, we can feel validated and relieved. When someone disagrees, we can bristle at the implication that we are wrong. Some of us develop a habit of looking for agreement. Some of us have little tolerance for being wrong. During conflict, we can hold tightly to our positions, building a case for why we believe what we believe. We may know those who feel an innate preparation for combat when they sense disagreement. More treacherous than the disagreement itself can be the backstories we tell ourselves about reasons for the conflict. We make assumptions. We assume we know the intent of another’s choices. How can we momentarily suspend our assumptions and shift our focus to a path toward understanding? Key here is communication. Asking questions in order to understand, rather than arguing to convince, widens our prospects for resolution (Rusk, 1993). With a calm demeanor and conversational tone, we open ourselves to listening and problem- solving. Simple questions and statements, spoken with calm curiosity, not sarcasm or aggression, can pave the path to understanding. • “What happened that made you think that?” • “Can you tell me a little more about what led you to that decision?” • “Interesting. I had a very different reaction. Tell me how you interpreted that.” • “What can you tell me that will help me understand what just happened?” If the other person happens to explain his or her opinion without asking yours, simply say, “Now I better understand your position. Let me tell you my thoughts, so you can understand my perspective as well.” Agreement is not always necessary for peaceful solutions. We need not feel threatened by conflicting views or actions. Responding to conflict by aiming to understand rather than agree (Rusk, 1993) can release the pressure valve of resistance, refuel each party’s vitality, and reenliven our presence in schools.