‘I Don’t Want to Sweep Alone’: Paranoia and Anomalous Experiences
Thus George Costanza, nebbish anti-hero of hit sitcom Seinfeld. George is desperate to know why his girlfriend Gwen has dumped him. (‘It’s not you—it’s me’ is her somewhat unhelpful—and utterly implausible—offering on the subject.) But all is not lost. Jerry, George’s best friend, has just started dating Laura, who is deaf. And what better way to discover what people are saying about you than have a friend read their lips? It’s a scheme that appeals to the paranoid in all of us. As George tells Jerry: ‘If we could just harness this power and use it for our own personal gain there’d be no stopping us.’ Well, Laura does indeed lip-read Gwen’s conversation with Todd, the host of the party, and she duly provides George with a running commentary in sign language. So far, so good. But George doesn’t understand sign language; it has to be translated for him by ‘hipster doofus’ Kramer: . . . KRAMER ‘Hi Gwen, hi tide.’ JERRY Hi tide? KRAMER Hi Todd. ‘You’ve got something between your teeth.’ GEORGE What? KRAMER No that’s what he said. That’s interesting. ‘I love carrots, but I hate carrot soup. And I hate peas, but I love pea soup.’ So do I. GWEN I don’t envy you, Todd. The place is going to be a mess. TODD Maybe you can stick around after everybody leaves and we can sweep together. KRAMER ‘Why don’t you stick around and we can sleep together.’ GEORGE What?!? KRAMER ‘You want me to sleep with you?’ TODD I don’t want to sweep alone. KRAMER He says ‘I don’t want to sleep alone.’ She says, oh boy, ‘love to.’ . . . You can guess the rest. This sad tale points up a crucial element in paranoia. Because, although by definition paranoid thoughts are unjustified and exaggerated, they aren’t completely irrational. Life is full of confusing or unsettling experiences and paranoid thoughts supply an explanation (albeit not an especially useful or accurate one) for these ambiguous experiences. They are acts of interpretation gone awry.