Winding Down
From the beginning the men had known, better than we did, that six sessions would not be enough. Changing the group to an open-ended format had been the right move, but we hadn’t resolved the question of when the group should end. The fathers were clearly piecing their lives back together and the reasons for continuing to meet were becoming less clear. As the group approached the three-year mark, attendance lagged. We wondered if it had run its course. One evening, we asked the men whether they wanted to keep meeting or if it was time to stop. We acknowledged that our work together had become increasingly collaborative but wanted them to know that they were not beholden to us. We never intended for the group to continue in perpetuity. Our focus had been to help them grieve and move forward. If they had reached that point, then they should to feel free to leave. The fathers seemed surprised when we raised this topic. They quickly dismissed the idea that they felt obligated to remain in the group. Uncharacteristically, Russ spoke first, “I’ve never felt pressured. I come because it helps.” The topic of discussion during that session was whether it was time to stop meeting. Each father knew that he would eventually leave but up until that moment Steve’s departure had been the only other occasion on which we discussed endings. Bruce reframed the issue: “Unless getting engaged and moving across state lines is the only ticket out the door, I guess we need to figure this out.” Karl approached the subject with his typical analytical style. “It sounds like there are two issues on the table. First, how does any one of us know when it’s time to stop coming? For Steve, it was easy: He got married and moved away. For the rest of us, the decision comes down to whether coming here is still helpful. Obviously, each of us has to answer that for ourselves. The second question is whether it’s time for the group as a whole to end.